Penis Circumference and Other Size Matters

Well, after devoting the second diary to my vagina and the third to Sophia’s Baby Einstein addiction, I figured it was high time little Gus got his turn in the blog spotlight.

This week we found out that Gus is the baby-sized version of Danny De Vito. He’s in the 95th percentile for weight and the 50th percentile for height. Hell, the kid even resembles De Vito. He’s dark and bald with huge jowls. And right before he attacks my nipple, I swear he even gets the same sinister glint in his eye as De Vito did every time he ate poor Latka Gravas for breakfast on Taxi.

This is, by the way, the exact opposite of his big sister, who is the baby-sized version of Uma Thurman. Soph measures in the 100th percentile for height and the 50th percentile for weight. She’s willowy, with wispy blonde hair and high check bones. And before she throws a tantrum, she gets the same sinister glint in her eye as Uma did right before slaughtering that whole amphitheater full of Kung Fu chicks in Kill Bill.

Poor Gus. At the ripe old age of 10 weeks, he’s already lost out to his big sister in the height category (Sophia was an inch taller than Gus when she was his age). Hopefully this news won’t be too damaging to his little psyche. Although, considering Soph didn’t even crawl until almost 12 months, Gus has a very good chance of kicking her ass in the crawling, walking and rolling over categories.

By the way, I’m sure 10 out of 10 pediatricians disapprove of comparing one child to the other in any height/weight/poop/pee/fart/burp categories. But if they didn’t want us to compare our kids to other kids, or our kids to one another, why worry about tacking on all the percentiles? Why are measurement stats required fields in all the baby books? Why are parents stressed about the fact that Junior only moved up two percentage points in the head circumference arena since his last checkup?

When he’s a teenager, Gus isn’t going to care one lick about where he ranked on the head circumference charts at 10 weeks. Now, where he ranked on the penis circumference charts he might eventually be interested in. Funny thing – penis circumference measurements are curiously absent from all baby books. Except one.

My dear friend Susie found the coolest baby memory book on the planet. It’s called Baby’s First Tattoo. Aside from recording baby’s first word, step and head circumference, this book also has space for “the diameter of hole baby’s head came through,” (no kidding) “baby’s first arrest,” “baby’s first DWI,” and so on.

Gus is a little too young for us to record some of these firsts, but in the spirit of the book, I thought I’d share some other funny stats for both kiddos. Here goes:

Number of pounds you helped Mommy pack on during pregnancy:

Sophia: 40
Gus: 30

Number of angry red stretch marks you drew on Mommy:

Sophia: 2
Gus: Too depressing to begin to count

Number of projectile vomiting incidents in first 8 weeks of pregnancy:

Sophia: 4
Gus: 3

Number of projectile vomiting incidents in first 8 weeks of life:

Sophia: 1
Gus: 3 or more per week

Number of times your incessant pooping caused Mommy to totally freak out and call your pediatrician at four in the morning:

Sophia: 0
Gus: 1

Number of projected therapy sessions required to help you overcome overwhelming feelings of embarrassment, anger and inferiority caused by Mommy’s self-indulgent, hideously uncool, tell-all baby blog:

Sophia: 100
Gus: 101

You go, Gus!