Diary of a Truly Desperate Housewife

Dear Diary,

Just watched Desperate Housewives for the very first time (a rerun). Realized that these beotches – even the burnt-out one with the four kids – need a lesson in real desperation. What’s so desperate about Prada-wearing, anorexic girls leisurely ironing their husbands’ shirts and/or screwing their plumbers and pool boys? Over here on Rockhill Road, I’m scrubbing puke off the threadbare T-shirt I wear to hide my still-big belly and, well, not likely to screw anyone anytime soon.

So, in the spirit of DHs, here’s the lowdown on a day in the life of a real, albeit temporary, desperate housewife.

Saturday 5 February
138 lbs. (and not budging, despite breastfeeding a 15-lb two-month old, giving up ice cream and making it to the gym once a week), babies 2, coffee units 3, ounces of breast milk pumped 5, diaper units 21, rooms cleaned 3 (major feat), outfit changes 4

2:30 a.m.
Am awoken by V. hungry Gus. A Gus, incidentally, who has suddenly regressed from sleeping peacefully through the night for two weeks straight, to waking up at least once, if not twice, a night! Back is throbbing in horrifying pain (rebelling against doing elliptical trainer, scrubbing kitchen floors, dusting, bathing both babies and breastfeeding from day before).

4:30 a.m.
Can’t sleep. Back is still wreck. Have spent last two hours reading Nickel and Dimed. Is great book by hilarious female journalist who goes undercover working minimum-wage jobs. Is trying to find out if possible to make it on shit pay. It isn’t.

4: 35 a.m.
Mmmmmmmm … worrying about working poor and am getting very sleeeeeee …

7:30 a.m.
Wake up to Soph fake crying (much more annoying than real crying). Back is still V. wrecked. Limp to Soph’s room, grab her and toss her into Mommy and Daddy’s bed for cuddle time. Gus puts up with cuddle time for about 45 seconds before demanding food. Stumble downstairs to nurse Gus. Hear Soph already yelling, “Shapes, shapes! Tee-fee, tee-fee!” (See “Crack for Babies” post for more info.)

8:30 a.m.
In shower for first time in three days. Am amazed, once again, to discover excessive state of hairiness. (See “Mommy, what’s a Kegel?” for more info.)

12:00 p.m.
Is lunchtime. Am scarfing leftover, ice-cold gnocchi with one hand and shoveling veggie burger, green beans, cottage cheese, graham crackers, “nana sauce” and ramen noodles with a roasted red pepper/buttermilk sauce into Soph’s mouth with other hand. Am marveling over creativity and palatability of ramen/red pepper combo … GAAH!

12:15 p.m.
Was Soph throwing ramen/red pepper combo in Mommy’s left eye.

1:00 p.m.
Am in bathroom practicing pottying. Soph is fully clothed, as cardboard flyer on potty seat advises. Am also helping Soph practice brushing her “teef.” (Shhhh …. don’t tell germaphobe Daddy.)

3:15 p.m.
Both kiddos now miraculously asleep. Am scrubbing bedroom floor. Am marveling at gigantic girth of dustbunnies under bed … GAAH!

3:16 p.m.
Tripped over bucket and spilled dirty water down the entire hallway.

3:17 p.m.
Mop-water spillage incident wakes Soph.

4:15 p.m.
Spill is dry and Daddy finally home. Now Mommy and Soph can actually go outside and enjoy the unusually warm weather for a few minutes … ARGH!

4:16 p.m.
Gus has just woken up – starving – from nap.

4:45 p.m.
Am walking with 18-month-old down sidewalk. Strange quaking of sidewalk … GAAH!

4:46 p.m.
Discover that nursing bra strap has been down for entire block.

5:15 p.m.
Am carrying suddenly possessed child into house kicking and screaming at top of lungs. Child V. out of control, throwing self on floor, convulsing, thrashing, etc. Hurls self against door screaming, “Outside, outside,” which is soon followed by forlorn wailing of the old-standby, “Shaaaapes! Shaaaaapes!”

6:45 p.m.
Am deciding which screaming child to console first. Daddy just left for evening.

7:45 p.m.
Am deciding which hungry child to feed first. Somehow manage to breastfeed and bottle feed simultaneously.

8:15 p.m.
Soph now asleep. Gus now wide awake. Am working hard at cultivating enriching Mommy/baby bonding time, but Gus only interested in sucking hand.

8:16 p.m.
Am nursing Gus as incessant hand sucking leads Mommy to believe he must be hungry.

8:45 p.m.
Am nursing Gus as incessant hand sucking leads Mommy to believe he must be hungry.

9:15 p.m.
Am nursing Gus as incessant hand sucking leads Mommy to believe he must be hungry.

9:45 p.m.
Am upstairs on computer beginning to work on blog with one hand and patting Gus with other. Gus still fussy and doing the hand-sucking … GAH!

9:46 p.m.
Am covered in baby vomit.

9:47 p.m.
Am naked from waist up attempting to change Gus out of vomit-soaked outfit … GAH!

9:48 p.m.
Am covered in baby poop.

11:15 p.m.
Am finally in bed. Back is starting to throb all over again. Consider attempting to try to stay up and wait for Daddy to get home so can get lucky in manner of sultry Desperate Housewives vixens, but am overcome by sudden sleeeeeee …